Gemini Mood.

5/26/2025

Y’all. I never win any contests… my name is never the one drawn from a hat. So when Madie Murphy of Cosmic Rx announced on her podcast that I was chosen to have a mini-reading for leaving her podcast a review- I was STUNNED AND THRILLED!!!!! I took away so much from the 5 minute reading she gave me, honestly, will likely be referencing this reading for the rest of my life. So many things hit, one of them being her interpretation of my Chiron in Gemini.

Are we familiar with the minor planet, Chiron? Yeah, I had never heard of it either until I started my astrology journey. Chiron, “The Wounded Healer” is a minor planet that represents the wounds we have that may never heal, but that give us wisdom to share. It’s both the wound and the medicine. My natal Chiron is in the sign of Gemini- The Cosmic Communicator. In fact, Chiron is my ONLY Gemini placement. And this tracks. Gemini is a word wizard. Quick minded, witty. Me? Not so much. When I’m talking I often feel like I’m not making any sense. I struggle to make eye-contact bc I fear I will forget what I’m trying to say… also eye-contact is just weird for me. All the words jumble in my head and I struggle to say what I’m really feeling or thinking. Learning how to ARTICULATE- not easy. Writing it out helps. Thus, here we are.

Madie explained that part of my human experience is to learn how to connect, speak up and communicate. To understand how to be a bridge from my heart space to others. Being vulnerable about my experiences so others feel understood to some degree. Consider this essay an offering for this New Moon in Gemini, the natal home of my Wounded Healer. This is my attempt to articulate my feelings and to witness those with struggles similar to mine.

My feelings have been riding dirty since day one. My impulse control - out of control. 

My feelings present in very intense ways: 

Happy = flappy hands, loud voice, loud AF laugh, and hyper-verbal 

Sad = incredibly lethargic, mopey, preferably non-verbal, reclusive

Bored = impulse shopping, phone addiction

Mad = throwing shit, growling, yelling, stomping, the EXTREME need for space

I know, of course, that these feelings live in everyone, but the thing is, people with AuDHD feel emotions at an 11 on a scale from 1-5. Once the intensity is dialed down and reality starts to come back, another emotion inevitably gets turned ALL the way up: shame. We get embarassed for our big happy feelings just as much as we do for our sadness, boredom, and anger. Somewhere along the line someone has made us feel annoying for being too happy and excited. Made us feel stupid for being so sad. Someone has made us feel ungrateful when we were bored. Made us feel small for the anger we feel. Shame lives in us. It is a state that so many of us dwell in, sometimes drown in. 

As consuming as my rage can be, the shame I feel surrounding said rage eats it up, licks her lips, and lingers. There are things I’ve done that still haunt me because of how deep I dove in the pool of shame. Some are so silly and light hearted, for example: once when I was in third grade I came home from school and my mom had made oatmeal raisin cookies. I was lit because I love those cookies. As it turns out, they were fresh out of the oven and needed to cool in order to set, and they were a bit mushy bc they had not yet cooled. This really pissed me off, so I took the cookies and I mushed them all together. (As I write this I laugh a bit with my palm to my forehead.) My mom was apalled, and rightfully like, “what the fuck are you doing?!” (She didn’t really say that… but something to that effect sans swears…) I don’t know how I responded with words, but I do remember the anger coursing through my body. I also remember seethingly retreating to my room to cool off and once I did feeling like such a piece of shit. Who does that?! Honestly, I still look back at that and I’m like, “Damn girl…” but the point isn’t that what I did was absolutely ridiculous, because obviously it was. The point IS that my impulse control was lacking and I didn’t know how to channel my feelings and I ultimately felt a bit worthless because of it.

This is still something I struggle with. I can’t say that I would wild out about mushy cookies this day and age, but maybe depending on the Moon and my hormones. These days that intensity comes out when I’m over stimulated, which is often within family situations. There is always someone talking or yelling. A weird smell. Someone touching me. I get to the point where I feel like a pot boiling over. My reactions are loud and intense with bulging eyes. Or worse… hissingly quiet and growling through gritted teeth, my eyes tight slits. I say things I don’t mean then aggressively stomp back to my room, punching walls and slam the door leaving everyone nervous in my wake. After a few minutes of heavy breathing, screaming in my pillow or crying in my bath tub, that familiar shame shadow fogs my space leaving me so low, depleted... So incredibly embarassed. 

Learning about how I operate, how my brain specifically operates, has been so enlightening. Knowing that I’m wired to fire and giving my system the updates it requires has been crucial. A lot of times I can avoid the shitty situations all together because I’m learning how to live my life in a way that doesn’t subject me to some of the triggering over-stimulation. I know I have to move my body A LOT. Get fresh air. Give myself alone time to practice my special interests and hobbies. I know I have to watch my caffeine and sugar in take. I can’t puddle in to my couch and flood my brain with doom scrolling on social media. I have to eat in a way that is not only good for my body, but also my brain. Drink A LOT of water, not so much alcohol. These may seem so basic and obvious, but for a dopamine addict who is always chasing the next “high”, it’s incredibly challenging! It all goes back to strengthening and training my impulse control as I would any other muscle in my body.

Even when my training game is strong, though, I still have my fits. And they still suck ass. And I still feel like a giant turd after all is said and done. I have mastered the art of a heart felt apology. I know how to put my tail between my legs and own my mistakes. I have yet to master the art of self-grace, but I am actively working on it and it’s not going so bad. When I have a meltdown these days, I can name the trigger. I’m able to breathe and tell myself that my system needs a break and there is no shame in that.

Having AuDHD is having a rapid fire nervous system that requires a very detailed user manual, but people with AuDHD fucking hate user manuals. We just want to do the thing… we don’t want to read about how to set it up for optimal usage and maintenance! However, when the machine that is our brain is THIS precious and THIS powerful, we gotta step up and own that responsibility. We simply must take care of ourselves, and part of that care entails self-compassion and empathy.